As I was sitting here staring at my blank computer screen as I’ve been doing for hours, unable for some inexplicable reason to write a single word or get the initial sentence or thought or conceptual blue-print for this column out of my head and into motion, my cat hopped up onto my lap and stared in my eyes, putting his nose close to mine briefly before settling his twenty big-boned pounds into a comfortable resting position then continuing his gaze into my eyes as his breathing hit that heightened pace it does when he is content. It’s what he does when most other cats would purr. For some reason Handsome doesn’t purr, at least not like other cats do. He just breathes funny. And he can’t be placed in this position on your lap, he’ll protest and not look into your eyes and struggle to get away. He’ll only do the lap thing when he wants to, when his fierce individuality softens for a guarded moment or sometimes, I sense, when he thinks I’m a bit unhappy or troubled by things in general, like he has reminded himself that indeed he is supposed to be a comfort to the person who feeds and cares for him at least part of the time. His name is Handsome because more than once when he came to us at 6 weeks old, people who saw him would say, “Isn’t he a handsome boy.” It stuck and he had the right attitude to carry it off. He is a very charismatic pet, something most of us realized from the very beginning by the unusual amounts of people I know who would actually stop by just to see him sometimes, even bringing him gifts and doting on him, often taking pictures as well. Unfortunately because of Handsome’s rapid transition from kitten to full-grown (our own hazy recollection clocked this transformation at about 72 hours) we never got any baby pictures. Perhaps that is why Handsome has become what I estimate to be the most photographed cat in the world. His portfolio boasts over 700 pictures and it continues to grow daily. His likeness has even been rendered as a portrait by an artist and this hangs in the entryway of our flat, or perhaps I should say his flat, for in the world of a regal domestic cat, the attitude is, “This is my place and everything in here is mine.”
Among Handsome’s most prize possessions are his oldest and dearest toys from childhood, Mad Cow and Barbie Kitty. Mad cow is one of those cute stuffed animals with suction cups and a rubbery Daisy-the-cow head meant to be stuck on the inside of a car window and Barbie Kitty is an actual Barbie accessory that is fuzzy and when pressed hard enough makes meow sounds. After a washing or two it looks more like a lamb now and the meow sound has become lower and slowed down. He has carried them both around since they were bigger than he was and mad cow disease was causing minor wars at European borders. He treats these toys like they are his own children, being very protective of them and carrying them around in his mouth, even talking to them. Now that’s a far cry more dignified than what Anna Nicole Smith’s horny and perverse high strung little dog does with her stuffed toys on national television. Handsome did at one time treat Mad Cow in a somewhat similar manner and it was promptly discouraged, making way for these more maternal behaviors, which are far less embarrassing in front of company. Ruling his domain with dignity is very important to Handsome.
When Handsome was about a year old we unexpectedly got a much clearer idea just how vehemently he felt about his kingdom and what would happen if another non-human creature were to invade his territory. I was at work at the time when I received a phone call and one of my room mates was nervously asking me if Handsome had received all of his shots yet, specifically his rabies shots because a friend had unwittingly strolled into the house with his pair of small pugs and what ensued was a relentless attack that left the dogs intensely traumatized and their owner in the hospital with stitches for trying to protect his pets from a mass of territorial fury, hair standing on end, claws extended, razor sharp teeth bared and ready to rip flesh. We then knew not to ever even try to introduce another four-legged creature into the household because Handsome wouldn’t have it. In fact, one frequent visitor to the house who owns a dog but is wise enough to not bring him over to visit, has actually elicited a similar response from the cat, albeit a little more reserved. We think that just the scent of the dog sets him off. Handsome has been witnessed hissing and growling at him and once even crouching and stalking him like he was fully ready to fly into attack mode. Eventually they had to be separated because this person feared that he’d turn his back and find 20 pounds of pissed off cat flying for his jugular vein. Handsome still seems to delight in the fact that this person is a bit uneasy around him. He always kind of seems ready to try and change the natural order of the food chain and this impresses me.
Handsome isn’t mean by nature, he’s actually quite affectionate and playful and really very social when it comes to most visitors. One time my room mate was having rehearsals for a play here regularly and about a dozen people would stroll in the house every other evening and handsome would take his position at the top of the stairs like he was the bride and groom in a reception line and lavish in the greetings of each individual person as they arrived. If these guests were carrying a backpack or bag of any kind Handsome would also have to inspect it thoroughly under the “everything in this room is mine” kitty statute. The staircase is also a point of amusement for him in another way. It’s where he hides in the dark, waiting for someone to come out of his or her room so he can jump from the shadows and attack you, often times standing on his hind legs and with enough momentum to possibly knock you down. Some might think this is malicious, one of those maneuvers a cat might pull when secretly trying to kill you but I just think he’s having a little fun. I mean why would he try to kill the person who has cared for him for nine years now, even saved him from a near death experience?
It’s true, Handsome came down with a common affliction in male domestic cats a few years ago when his urinary tract became clogged by crystallized deposits theoretically caused by certain foods. I was surprised by this considering he had been fed nothing but the best scientifically formulated diet available but it happened anyway and he had to have an operation that cost me about $1000 dollars and required his diet to change to a special prescription-only cat food. When I went to pick him up after surgery the veterinarian explained to me that this condition often is recurring and if it happened again there was a surgery that I might want to look into that would basically restructure his urinary tract to more closely resemble that of a female cat, making blockage less likely. I had read about the procedure and already had fantasies of owning the first MTF sex change cat on the block, thinking about his maternal instincts with his toys, wondering if he really was a female cat trapped in a tom cats body, wondering if the state of California would pick up the bill like I hear they do with humans. In a very serious tone I asked the veterinarian if I should start cross-dressing him now in preparation. She told me that hopefully his special new diet would help control the blockage problem adequately so he would never need another surgery. So far it has worked, but at his recent check-up the Vet told me that he has another problem. At 20 pounds, Handsome is definitely obese. I countered back that he was merely big-boned. Now he has to eat a new prescription-only low fat food and I need to encourage more exercise, which the vet told me she knows is a difficult task. I feared all this news would possibly cause him an eating disorder, caving into the pressures and unrealistic ideals of society to be lean and even emaciated to be accepted but I was wrong. As soon as someone pulled out a camera it was clear that Handsome was more than comfortable to forge ahead as a full-figured larger-sized cat model, kind of like Anna Nicole Smith, not the present Anna Nicole but rather the voluptuous Guess model era Anna Nicole.
Model or not, my cat continues to be an incredible companion and a constant source of amusement and joy as we approach our tenth year together. Our relationship has lasted longer than all of my previous relationships with super models.