I’ve been watching The Osborne’s lately, the mtv reality show that follows the unusual lives of Ozzy Osborne’s clan and menagerie and I, like much of America, have developed a certain fondness for the endearingly dysfunctional nuclear family, swimming through life with all the luxury multiple millions can buy, the camera’s ever-present eye affording them much of this luxury. The viewer is allowed to witness a great deal of simple family processes played out by the surviving wildman legend of gothic Heavy Metal, Sharon his brilliant sassy hard edged business manager, wife and mother of his two participating teenage kids Kelly and Jack and a series of personal assistants, servants, friends, trainers, a very cute teenage foundling they’ve recently adopted, and of course all of those little non-house-broken dogs.
This family is the antithesis of normal, which is precisely the reason this show was dreamed up and pitched to them by MTV, and definitely why it’s such a runaway hit. People are obsessed with celebrity, and now in the wake of the reality TV revolution, people aren’t merely content with getting an insiders fly-on-the-wall eye view of the rich and famous and weird like the Osbournes or Anna Nicole Smith. They are seeing that celebrities are or can be, in spite of the many luxuries, assistants, and other star-powered amenities, a lot like anyone else, even themselves. The wealth of television offerings involving long-term physical competitions with a process of elimination, or MTV’s The Real World now over a decade old, or the bachelor/bachelorette, marry a millionaire, marry my dad, boy meets boy, fashion make-over programs, American Idol, and even those shows where you do dangerous and disgusting things and eat bugs and animal testicles for cash prizes are all paving the way towards a massive change in the definition of celebrity. It’s like Andy Warhol’s famous statement, “In the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes,” was less of a flippant pop-art revolutionary quotable quote and more prophetic and eerily coming true. Can’t you just picture Kelly and Jack rendered in huge Warhol prints, like Liza and Elizabeth Taylor even though it could never have happened? Warhol may have made that statement but he didn’t say that it would necessarily be a good thing. Without a doubt I say it isn’t.
The Osbourne kids are by most standards quite spoiled, and now quite rich as well (all the money generated by the show and merchandising is split evenly between the 4 family members),Ozzy walks around mumbling and concerning himself with the simplest of mundane tasks in a fashion that makes one think he’s an idiot savant. You almost forget that he’s a singer or performer at all, or wonder how he manages to do that one thing when he can’t figure out how to use an electric can opener. To his credit, of all the characters in the household he is the one who acts the most natural, as if the camera crew isn’t even there, like perhaps he hasn’t even noticed them yet. It’s quite clear that Sharon rules, controls and holds the entire family together, in quite a loving and logical fashion.
What I enjoy most about the show are the non-parental behaviors of Sharon and Ozzy. Their reactions to certain situations do not mirror those of responsible law abiding parents. For instance my mother would never throw a roasted ham over the fence into the neighbors yard because they’re too loud, or find a half empty booze bottle left by one of the kids friends and pee in it for the next time he comes over. Nor would they tolerate hearing or ever say the word “fuck” out loud. At the Osborne’s that word flows freely from all like hot running water. The fun doesn’t stop there, in a recent episode jack and Ozzy discovered a turkey being slowly cooked in a rotisserie-style oven straight from infomercial land and they were trying to figure out what it was. Jack asked, “What is that weird white stuff leaking out of it?” to which Ozzy suggested, “Smegma.” That had to be a first for television. Kind of like when Sharon openly fantasized about Puff Daddy or P. Diddy marrying Kelly and being her son-in-law, then went on to tell Kelly, “You should marry him, I bet he’s got a really big willy.” Kelly shrieked in horror like any teenage girl who’s mom just embarrassed her, but that usually doesn’t happen before an audience of millions. “Mother shut up, stop, stop talking about his willy,” to which she continued, “I bet it’s very long, and I bet his willy is oiled.”
The last time I watched the Osbournes, I heard a familiar voice suddenly, nattering on and on about, of course, herself. I looked up and saw it was Courtney Love, in her underwear. She’s one who knows a bit about celebrity. She met Warhol. She’ll be back.