10-8-2001

In the wake of last months terrorist attack, I bet many of you were
wondering about the safety of certain former San Franciscans who had
relocated to New York, and I hope that, like myself, you’ve finally gotten
through to the friends and relations who live there and have found them to
indeed be alive and safe.  My thoughts went immediately to Justin Bond and
Kenny Mellman the geniuses behind New York’s hippest and most popular
underground cabaret act Kiki and Herb.  I knew they had just returned to New
York from Seattle where they made an appearance opening for the fantastic,
unusual, brilliant and utterly sick British outfit, The Tiger Lilies, who
were being courted by various labels and reportedly the whole gang launched
their own form of terrorist assault in the form of accepting an invitation
to a “wine ’em, dine ’em” expense account dinner with some poor label
representative whom I’m sure was scared to death of this crew of truly
fabulous booze-swilling miscreants popular for singing songs and telling
stories of  murder, prostitution, beastiality, freaks, perverts, crucifying
Jesus, killing children, drug addiction, and execution, all with an
accordion, a stand-up bass, an unusual drum kit and the otherworldly
falsetto of vocalist Martyn Jacques.  And need I remind you that many years
ago Justin Bond was lovingly referred to as San Francisco’s most dangerous
performer with good reason.  What a hazardous and delicious group of fun
that would be after a few dozen oysters and bottles of port, but I’m pleased
to report that Justin and Kenny are indeed fine, both not finding themselves
anywhere near the WTC at 9 in the morning on that fateful unforgettable,
etched-by-the-media into our manipulated brains and knee
jerk-patriotic-souls day, September 11, 2001.  I wasn’t going to be
satisfied till I heard it myself though, and was relieved when I finally
talked to them. Relieved and thrilled as well to learn that Kiki and Herb
will be the brave and fearless Americans we’ve always known them to be and
will soon board an actual airplane and cross the amber waves of grain to Los
Angeles for a three-week engagement in the month of October.  Like soldiers
overseas, we’re starved on this coast for an extended run from this pair of
true entertainment greats, we need to see that firm and resolute “the show
must go on” spirit in the face of adversity, like infantry men in need of a
morale boosting USO show.  Who better than Kiki and Herb can show us the
true meaning of Enduring Freedom?  As Kiki has said in the past, “Ladies and
gentlemen, people die. That’s all you need to know.”
I know I’ll be making a pilgrimage down for the shows, by car instead of
plane, as we can’t all be heroes and L.A. is so much easier when you arrive
with wheels.  It actually takes about two hours more if you just drive than
it takes to fly into LAX and try to get to any of the fun spots in L.A.
where your friends might live.  I’m not a driver myself but I will say that
as a passenger on a long car trip I can be a hell of a lot of fun.  I’m not
fully clear on the details of their run at this point except that it will
take place at a venue called The Atlas, 4 nights a week for three weeks.  At
press time I’m still seeking the reservation process out, as will anyone
truly dedicated to the unequaled heroics and devastating inspiration of Kiki
and Herb.  We do what we can.
The other night I found myself cruising online using a popular web cam-based
streaming video program called Webcamnow.  This program enables you to
project whatever image is being picked up by your personal web camera into a
community forum for other people to view and be viewed live and to chat with
them in corresponding chat rooms simultaneously.  You know, the old “simple
phone calls will broadcast live images of the person you’re speaking to in
the future” tech prediction has finally come to be!  Someday is today, but
did anyone at all anticipate that the majority of moments captured by this
technological advancement would be gay male cock shots in varying stages of
excitement/ undress?  Also included are a small handful of straight couples,
straight guys looking for straight girls and vice versa, and the rare and
occasional instance of a same sex pairing on cam, but the definite majority
of all live streaming broadcasts are gay male.  You can peruse through the
long list of individuals who are broadcasting and pick your favorite one to
view then try to locate what chat room he’s in so you can send him instant
messages like “Hey dude, nice basket,” or “Are you going to lose the pants
soon?” or “where are you stationed?” as a great deal of men in the armed
forces seem to choose this web cam avenue to satisfy certain urges.  Well,
my screen name is Rockfag so the moment I send a message to a predominately
heterosexual room I get a myriad of unpleasant responses like “Get lost
faggot.  Room 8 is the gay room.” Or “I’m straight, dude, I like ladies.”
Depending on how mischievous I might be feeling I’ll badger and spar with
the subject, replying with something very nasty in the sexual sense like, “I
‘m gay and I like straight dick slapping my face, so what?”  or  “You’re
getting a rod just thinking about it, huh soldier boy?”  More admonishments
sweep the room directed at me and my kind then some of the other members of
the chat, females and gay guys pretending to be females start working the
hot military guy with the “You’re a hero” angle and “I really admire your
patriotism” in an effort to get to the same thing I’m aiming at-naked hard
military cock.  “So, hero, you really owe it to this nation to show us your
huge cock.”  He replies “Pathetic-You are the enemy.”  Falwell said it-did
this moron listen?  Time for the big guns I thought. “Does it count as
friendly fire when yr buddy shoots a load on yr face in the shower?”
“Admit it soldier boy-your cock is getting hard just thinking about it”
“You’re touching it now Huh?
At this point the young marine became so furious he told me that if he gets
sent to the battlefields of Afghanistan for actual combat and has to kill
others to survive he’s going to pretend that each and every one he kills is
me!
“You’ve had time to memorize my picture?”
“You are a cock hungry little butt boy aren’t you?”
It is such a blast to be juvenile to the conditioned patriot
“Hard to ask or tell when your mouth is full, isn’t it?”