The Buzzcut Heard ‘Round the World

The buzzcut twins: Britney and Don

I’d like to take this opportunity to clarify that it was pure coincidence that I picked up the electric clippers and shaved my head bald at approximately the same time that Britney Spears marched into a salon in Southern California and gave herself the buzzcut heard ‘round the world. Unlike Ms. Spears, I have sported a shaved head numerous times, so while it is hardly a news-worthy occasion for me, I can confidently say it looks much better on me, and it doesn’t signal quite the dramatic cry for help that it did for her. In my case, a cultivated comb-over would be the likelier cry for help, and I can guarantee that isn’t going to happen. Certain of my friends have promised to stage an intervention with the first signs of that Trump-like hair-don’t.

But what about Britney? What the fuck is going on in that feverish bald head of hers? I started to recall all of the major female stars over the years who have sported the bald look. The first two who come to mind are Sinead O’Connor and Skin, vocalist for Skunk Anansie. These two women of rock are naturals for this hair style; they both look exquisite this way, and it became their trademark. Other examples of bald female stars would be Demi Moore and Natalie Portman, but they were both inspired to shave for movie roles, as were Jeanne Moreau, Barbara BelGeddes, Vera Miles, Carla Gravina and Silvana Mangano in Five Branded Women, a war drama from 1960 that always intrigued me as a child. Then, of course, there’s Melissa Etheridge, who appeared bald in a performance on the Grammy awards ceremony, but she was bald as the result of chemotherapy, a valiant personal statement of her battle with breast cancer.

I have read on the British Britney Spears Web site that the singing star recently lost her aunt to breast cancer, and there is speculation that Britney shaved her head to raise awareness for a cancer charity who helped her aunt prior to her recent death. But nothing was said about this to the press, nor was anything mentioned about hair extensions causing her a great deal of pain, another speculation for why she chose the drastic do.

But so far the only reason given by the troubled star for shaving her head is the one-inch-away-from-crazy statement, “I don’t want anyone touching me. I’m tired of everyone touching me.” If that one hasn’t been heard up and down the halls of psych wards everywhere, I don’t know what has. The fact that she made the statement to a person in a tattoo parlor as she got two small and very common, run-of-the-mill tattoos (c’mon, a cross and a pair of pink lips, how lame are those choices for the modern superstar with all that money? Angelina Jolie wouldn’t be caught dead with ink like that, now would she?) kind of seals it. The girl is losing her mind

Apparently the salon where Britney took her haircut choice into her own hands when a liscensed cosmetologist refused to do it, immediately put the star’s hair and empty can of Red Bull up on ebay for auction but it was immediately removed, and the salon owner created a site called buybritneyshair.com to sell to any interested bidder, provided the minimum bid starts at $1 million. I really gotta wonder why such a huge star as Britney would just pop into a hair salon called Esther’s Haircutting Studio in Tarzana, California for this. Couldn’t she have anyone in the upper echelon of Hollywood hair take care of her hair needs secretly and with an army of security warding off all the committed paparazzi? As it is, we have filmed footage of the shocking event on every channel, not to mention proof at last that the drapes do match the carpet—shaved! And what primes the paparazzi better for moving in for the kill than an aborted stay at a rehabilitation center? Britney was returning after a less than 24-hour stint at the Crossroads Centre in Antigua. Prior to this she was seen in New York getting very girl-on-girl cozy with a bunch of strippers in the famous nightclub, One, strutting around in borrowed bikinis and what not, and just prior to that she reportedly tossed her cookies all over her very own SUV. Rehab seemed the logical next stop for the divorced mother of two.

Speaking of motherhood, it really surprises me that those two children haven’t been stripped from her custody by this point. She’s been living and running around the world like a young, single jet-setter. Where are the children? Who has been taking care of them and why haven’t the authorities made any decided motions to investigate this situation more closely? I remember another musical star about 12 years ago who repeatedly lost custody of her infant child based on pure speculation and little to no proof that she was an unfit mother, and that was Courtney Love. She had to tirelessly prove herself to authorities to re-gain custody of Frances, and she even lost custody again just a couple years back. I don’t understand why this hasn’t happened to pop princess Britney. If those kids are her greatest love and finest achievement, as she told Matt Lauer in her weepy interview last year, then where the hell have they been while she was flashing her shaved head and cooch coast to coast? Others would have been crucified for less, it seems. She’s already been spotted out nightclubbing again in a wig most drag queens wouldn’t wear.

I’m not hating on Britney. I think she is young and very mixed up, as mixed up as one might expect a person who has been chasing superstardom from the age of 6 to be. She’s clearly having a very serious meltdown, and it’s a wonder it hasn’t happened sooner.
My friend Martin suggested that years ago when Britney and Christina Aguilera and Justin Timberlake were all in the New Mickey Mouse Club and reaching for superstardom with all their might that they made a simple bet. “Okay, by the beginning of the year 2007, the one of us who is the least successful will have to shave their heads and privates bald and get really trashy tattoos, and it has to be televised so the whole world knows!” Kids can be so cruel, and paybacks can be hell. Britney’s mysterious behavior may never be fully explained, but her haircut definitely works better on me.